Oliver D. Bernuetz's Stories
How Lhankor Mhy Lost His Beard
Now you all know that Lhankor Mhy be the god of knowledge. He know everything. And I do mean everything. But what you don't know is that he used to be one vain god too. Oh yes, yes he still be proud of what he know. He right jealous of what he know and he don't often like to share it with no one. But once upon a time he used to be proud of how he looked too. Here's what happened to change that.
Long time back ole Lhankor Mhy he be the stuffiest god around. He strut around like a rooster sticking his scrawny chest out and showing off his plumage to all and sundry. What plumage? Why his glorious beard, the biggest, bushiest and reddist beard around! No other god came close to ole Lhankor Mhy when it came to his beard. What a beard. All the other gods were jealous but they consoled themselves with the thought that a beard like that would just get in the way when there was a fight. And they told themselves, that Lhankor Mhy he don't get any action do he? He knows a lot about a lot but what he knows about women? Pheh, nothing. So they comforted themselves with this knowledge and tried not to let him bug them.
Well ole Lhankor Mhy he not only know a lot he ain't stupid either. He knew that the other gods didn't always like him, oh sure when they had a question about something they'd run quick enough to ask him but when they was looking for a drinking buddy? Forget it, he was last on their list. So when ole Lhankor Mhy was just busting with pride about his beard and had to do something about it he took himself off to be all alone. He knew of a mirror like pond where he could admire and preen himself without anybody knowing. One day though as he stood there preening and admiring himself, saying stuff like, "Oh, yes you is the best looking of the lot ain't ya." Just a standing there a running his fingers through his beard and admiring it. What he didn't see was an ugly nest of rags and twigs up in a nearby oak tree. And what he didn't know was that this wasn't no nest but that rascal Eurmal. Urox had caught him spying upon him and Orlanth's heifers so he had grabbed him twisted him into a knot and chucked him off into the forest. Now Eurmal was plum sore mad and wanted to get back at someone and who should he see but ole Lhankor Mhy preening and fussing. He thought to himself, there's that Lhankor Mhy, that old know it all, a primping and a preening. Look at him running his fingers through that beard. Eurmnal stroked his straggly wiskers and thought how much he'd like a beard like that. I bet I can show him something he never done seen before and make him look the fool and get his beard! So he finished unknotting himself and he dropped to the ground. he snuck up behind ole Lhankor Mhy and went "Boo!"
Well ole Lhankor Mhy, he jumped near out of his skin! And he looked right mad when he saw who it was because he considered Eurmal the worst of the worst. "What you want you rascal? What are you doing a sneaking around scaring people?" "Why I've got some things I want to show you that I bet you've can't recognize cause you know know nothing about them." "What!?! Why I know everything that's proper to know thank you very much." "Bet you don't", replied Eurmal. Well normally ole Lhankor Mhy is smarter than that but he had gotten a pretty good scare from Eurmal so he wasn't thinking none too straight. "You're on," says he, "What's the stake?" Eurmal smiled right sly like and replied, "Your big, bushy, beautiful beard." Ole Lhankor Mhy blanched at that but he was pretty sure he could beat Eurmal at this game. "O.K. you're on, if you can show me something I can't recognize you can have my beard." "I get three tries right?" Lhankor Mhy had his poise back and he was sure he could beat Eurmal at this game so he said, "Sure, and if I win you have to, hmm, oh I know you have to kiss Babeester Gor." Well Eurmal sure blanched at that as he was plum scared of that Babeester Gor but he gulped and nodded sure he could win while Lahnkor Mhy sat down to wait and he scampered off.
Well that Eurmal he was sure he had something he could use to trick Lhankor Mhy right off. He thought like everyone else that ole Lhankor Mhy had never known a woman and wouldn't know what one looked like being such a old stick. He stole behind a tree and took his stick off and made himself look like a woman down below. He put a cloak over his whole body and walked back to Lhankor Mhy. When he got there he snatched the cloak off showing himself naked and said, "What's this?" Lhankor Mhy roared with laughter and remembering sweet Inspiration said, "A woman's parts of course." Eurmal cursed and said, "Okay you win round one, I'll be right back!"
He raced off and thought what can I trick him with, what, what? And then he had an idea. He raced through the woods and hills ripping pieces off of the animals he met. A bird's wing here, a bear's paw there until finally he had enough bits to make a whole animal. Using his spit he stuck the animal together and using some magic he breathed into the animal's mouth and made it seem alive. This will fool Lhankor Mhy, he thought to himself triumphantly as he raced back. He tore up to Lhankor Mhy and unveiled his animal. Lhankor Mhy stared at it for a minute and then fell down laughing. "i may not be Odayla or Yinkin but I am not stupid enough not to know that this animal is made up of the bits of different animals. And look here they come now to get their parts back." Eurmal yelped and sucked his magic out of his creation. The animal fell apart and he threw the pieces to the angry animals that were coming towards him. The whole while Lhankor Mhy was laughing his fool head off. "That's two rounds I've won, start puckering lover." He rolled over and over laughing helplessly.
Well Eurmal was worried. He was sure either of those tricks would have worked. Now what? He had to do something though. He grimaced and raced off. He looked everywhere for something to fool Lhankor Mhy with. He even started looking places where good Orlanthi didn't normally go. He raced close past the hole in the ground Mostal had made scaring the worms that lived there and one of the guardian grubs that lived there threw something at him. He stopped and picked the something up. It was a hard round grey ball that hissed at him. What's this he thought? Ah-ha, this must be something Lhankor Mhy doesn't know about. He raced back to where Lhankor Mhy was still waiting and laughing. "What's this," he asked holding the grey ball out triumphantly.
Lhankor Mhy stopped laughing. He'd never seen anything like the grey hissing ball before. He looked very closely at it. "Why it's a...it's a...". He peered even closer. Just then the ball stopped hissing and flew to pieces with a loud crack like thunder. Pieces of the ball flew everywhere and knocked both Eurmal and Lhankor Mhy arse over teat. And that's how Eurmal showed Lhankor Mhy something he'd never seen before. Did Eurmal win his beard though? Nope he didn't, when that ball came apart the blast knocked his beard right off sending it flying through the air where it got stuck in fox's arse where it remains to this day. Both of them chased that fox all over but they never did catch him.
This page last modified June 20, 2001
Last updated September 25, 2016
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