Oliver D. Bernuetz's Stories

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Eurmal Gets the Girl

Well Lhankor Mhy and Minlister they sat and they brooded. Both of them had been tricked by that rascal Eurmal recently. Lhankor Mhy he had lost his beard and poor Minlister had lost his day ale. Ole Lhankor, he had managed to get his beard back but Eurmal had forgotten where he’d put the day ale and it was done gone forever. The pair they sat and they brooded about sweet revenge. They knew it was hard to trick that trickster and sure he was always tricking himself, but that just wasn’t as satisfying as tricking him themselves. Lhankor Mhy got up and paced back and forth talking to hisself, "What is it that that rascal wants more than anything else?" Minlister snorted and he shook his head and said, "You know what he’s always going on about. He says he never gets any." Lhankor Mhy turned with a puzzled expression on his face and said, "Any what?" Minlister rolled his eyes, "You know he never gets any," and he made some gestures with his hands. Lhankor Mhy still looked puzzled and then he remembered Sweet Inspiration. "Oh! " he said and muttered under his breath, " He ain’’t the only one," and he paced some more. Then ole Lhankor he stopped sudden like as sweet inspiration hit him. He turned with a wicked grin on his face to Minlister. "I know how we can get back at that rascal but good," he said rubbing his hands together and cackling gleefully. He leaned over and whispered in Minlister’s ear and as he spoke a big goofy grin came over Minlister’s face and he nodded his agreement. The pair quickly set to work.

The next day the pair stood before two enormous vats and they argued. Along came that rascal Eurmal and says he, "What are two you arguing about?" "This long beared fool here is trying to tell me that this vat of ale is better than that there vat. What by Umath’’s breath does he know about ale? Anyone with any taste knows it’s the other way around" says Minlister with a glare in his eyes. "I’m a telling you that there vat is much better than that vat," sneers Lhankor Mhy. "Pffff, you’re the god of knowledge, not the god of tasting," says Minlister folding his arms and looking disdainful. "Well maybe we should ask Urox what he thinks, he’s the biggest drinker around here." says Lhankor Mhy. "Urox? That blowhard?" says Eurmal, "He’d drink goat piss if he thought it would get him drunk. Why not let me be the judge of which is better. I’ve drunk my share of ale before you know." "Well", said Lhankor hesitating, "I don’t know, what do you think Minlister?" Minlister shrugged, "His taste can’t be any worse than yours and he certainly has drunk enough of my ale to know what's good so why not?" "What do I get if I help?" asks Eurmal. Minlister snorts and says, "Some of my best ale, what else?" "Fair enough," says Eurmal and he drinks a cup of ale from each vat. Well he can’t tell no difference between the two so he doesn’t know what to say. "Well?" asks Lhankor Mhy and Minlister together. "Umm, let me take another taste just to make sure," says Eurmal. So he drinks another cup from each but no go, they still taste just the same. The two watchers look on impatiently and he shrugs. "Hard to say, let me try another taste of each."

This goes on all morning and soon the vats are both empty and Eurmal can’t hardly see or walk straight. "Okay, thisss time fur sure I’ll know." And he weaves over to the vats and peers in. "They’re empty, the ale it’s all gone." Lhankor Mhy and Minlister sigh and shrug. "Oh never mind", says Lhankor Mhy, "we’re late to meet the nymphs anyway." "Nymmphss?" asks Eurmal. "Oh, just some water nymphs down in the meadow that invited Minlister and me to join in their frolic," says Lhankor Mhy. "A frolic?" asks Eurmal, "Can I come too? Please, please, please?" he goes to fall on his knees to beg but lands on his face instead still mumbling into the dirt. Minlister and Lhankor Mhy help him and say, "Sure, the more the merrier."

Well the three of them head on down to the water meadow and there Eurmal sees a whole bunch of blurry white shapes. "See," says Lhankor Mhy, "they’s a waiting for us. Go get ‘em tiger." Well Eurmal spent the whole afternoon chasing after the shapes and having his way with them. The nymphs were very playful and frisky and uttered incoherent endearments to their suitor. Finally he ran out of steam and collasped. As he fell asleep he was heard to say, "Finally, finally I got me the girl and how." Well Lhankor Mhy and Minlister they had just stood by and watched and they near killed themselves from trying not to laugh out loud. When Eurmal finally passed out they burst into laughter and rolled around all over the meadow. Eventually Lhankor Mhy turned to Minlister and breathlessly said, "Well I guess we can go untie Voriof. I don’t think we’ll be needing his flock anymore.

July 13, 2001 

Last updated September 26, 2016

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