Oliver D. Bernuetz's Stories
Lodriland - Pipskos and Aggad's Excellent Adventure
All was not happiness in the bungalow of the gods. Lodril and Oria sat in the kitchen "discussing" their twin sons, Pipskos and Aggad who were in the basement rec room drinking beer and playing loud music. Lodril was "discussing" the boys so heatedly that the avocado and wheat patterned wallpaper Oria had so carefully chosen was turning brown and starting to char. "Calm down dear, you know this isn't good for your blood pressure, nevermind the innocent bystanders. You know that at heart they're good boys." Lodril gritted his teeth before replying.
(In a distant, far off land severe landslides destroyed a helpless village).
"We knoweth that dearest one, we shalll endeavour to calmest down." Lodril made an honest effort and managed to calm down.
(And on a far off volcanic island the virgins all breathed sighs of relief as the mountain stopped erupting violently).
"We knowest that they are good lads, and We knowest that fun is important." Lodril and Oria exchanged meaningful glances that turned into burning glances (not the kind that start fires mind you, well not those kind of fires anyway) which turned into a heated embrace. They fell to the floor with a thud.
(That rattled windows and knocked knick knacks off shelves all over the world).
(Farmers in Sartar were rather puzzled by the triple yield of barley they got that year. In Dark Season).
Sometime later after the detritus was cleaned up the pair resumed their conversation. "Dost thou mind if We smoke dear?" Oria absentmindedly shook her head no.
(And all over the world volcanos sent huge puffs of smoke skyward).
"As we were saying We fully value fun. But fun has both its proper place and time and that is after honest labour! Those wastrels must get jobs. No more sitting around in the rec room drinking beer and playing that awful music! They've drained Hordeum's beer vat. And it was supposed to be bottomless!" A pained look crossed Lodril's face.
(And a small island in a far-off river flipped over and sunk to the bottom of the river).
"We have decided!" Lodril sat up and pounded His fist on the floor.
(A prophet in a Teshnan city was caught completely off guard when the huge earth tremor toppled a great statue of Shamash onto him. A bystander picked himself up, looked down at the statue and shrugged, "Didn't see that coming did you?")
Lodril went downstairs. Aggad and Pipskos were sprawled on the couch drinking beer and playing music. Lodril looked around the rec room scowling. Frescos of scantily clad but ludicrously bountiful goddesses and impossibly buff gods covered the walls. There was litter everywhere and a strange smell hung in the air. Incense? No. Lodril's fiery glance scanned the room passing over the electric bagpipes in the corner and setttled on what the twins were doing. His divine eyes goggled.
(A remote hot spring shot mud out into the air).
"Forsooth! From where hast though obtained that beer! And why hast thou held out on Us?" Aggad smiled up at his dad towering over him. "Dude, wouldst thou partake of a libation with us?" Pipskos turned a confused and bleary eye to his brother, "Huh?" Aggad stage whispered to him, "Dude I asked the dad dude if he would like a cold one." Pipskos nodded knowingly setting a finger alongside his nose. Lodril settled His vast bulk on the couch between his sons and cracked open a cold one. He took a deep quaff. "Ah, that hittest the spot, that does." He sighed and a smile came over His Divine Countenance.
(Spring came early. Everywhere).
Satisfied he let out a mighty belch.
(And remote Pent went from being a vast forest to being a flat plain. Covered with fallen trees mind you).
"Now boys, thine mother and We have been talking about your futures." Aggad shot Pipskos a pained look that spoke volumes. "And we have decided that it is high time (the boys snickered) that you both got jobs." Aggad protested, "But dude we don't want jobs." Pipskos nodded vigorously. "Yeah, dude like jobs would like cramp our styles." Lodril frowned.
(And a great crevice opened in Kralorela and swallowed up an entire species).
"But thine brothers all have jobs and they do not say that it, um cramps their styles." Pipskos jumped to his feet, "Oh man dude if I had could get a gig like Atra-hasis I'd work in a second." Aggad jumped to his feet as well and the pair held out their arms from their sides and mimed balancing on something. They both nodded agreeably. "That dudes got it all. He spends the whole day riding lava flows on his board, man. He's the gnarliest and the chicks just dig him the most." Lodril paused somewhat confused by this exchange. "But couldst thou not find other jobs? Thou canst not all be lava riders."
Pained expressions came over the twin's faces. "But dude, we're not good at anything. Remember what happened when we joined the army?" Lodril shuddered.
(And the Mostali work on section P53248961785 of the World Machine was set back yet another 66666 work cycles).
"Aye, We still have the letter your uncle Polaris sent. We still cannot figure out how someone can be both dishonorably discharged for gross incompetence AND executed for malfeasance." Aggad and Pipskos exchanged high-fives. "Still, thou must find honest labour. There cannot be honest relaxtion without honest labour!" "Aw dude, but I need to work on my tan," said Aggad, "And Pipskos here has almost gotten a gig lined up." He nodded in the direction of the bagpipes. "Chicks dig musicians." The twins nodded. Lodril puzzled over this and then ventured, "Then thou wouldst find employ as a musician?" Pipskos nodded. "For sure dude." "Then we will talk with your uncle Donander." A frown came over Pipskos' face and he drew the outline of parallelogram in the air. "But dude, he doesn't like dig my music."
This was too much for Lodril and He lost His Divine temper.
(And that lovely, flat farmland to the west of Choralinthor Bay became the site of what would have been some damn fine skiing if only it wasn't so darn hot).
When the rubble was cleared up the boys had changed their tunes. Pipskos was eager to go work with his uncle Donander at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. But what to do with Aggad? Lodril frowned at Aggad and he squirmed under his gaze. "What is it that thou likest to do then son?" Aggad looked franctically around the rec room. His eyes settled on some scraps of parchment that he'd been doddling on and he grabbed at them. "I like drawing and writing stuff," he trailed off. "Thou wouldst be a scribe wouldst thou?" Aggad nodded frantically. Lodril sighed (gently) and nodded His head. "Then We shall have a word with thine uncle Buserian." He nodded with satisfaction. "Get thee upstairs and clean up boys. Thine mother shall soon be serving lunch." "What are we having?" the twins asked. Lodril patted His stomach happily and said, "Pot roast." The twins made their way upstairs sniggering again. Lodril shook His head wistfully. "We are glad that's been resolved." From upstairs He heard Oria call, "Lodi dear, I've just had triplets. Girls." He shuddered.
(And Vithela shattered).
Shaking His head He made his way slowly upstairs turning off the lights as he went..
Last updated February 20, 2017
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