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Oliver D. Bernuetz's Stories

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Wind Pirates of Orlanth - Orlanth Scales the Mount

Orlanth had had a great night. Well he was pretty sure he'd had a great night. A lot of it was kind of blurry now. Had he really challenged Urox to a wrestling match? That would explain the back pain and the broken leg. Fortunately the uisge had deadened the pain and the leg seemed fine now. He walked over to where the door to his lodge had been and started to head outside.

And where are you going? asked an icy, all too familiar voice. 
Just outside to see a man about some livestock, Ernalda dear, he replied noticing the gaping hole in the roof that he was pretty sure hadn't been there yesterday. 
Oh, no you don't. The last time you stayed up all night drinking with your thanes you flooded my root cellar when you went out to see a man about some livestock. You are going to climb the mount and sprinkle your blessings on the other side. They can use the moisture. 
But, dear, he began, hating the whiny tone creeping into his voice. 
Don't you dear me. Just get moving. There's a lot of work to do around here today. 
Yes, dear.

He went out the door and started up the hill. King of the Gods, my ass, he muttered. I can still hear you. Just move it!

Orlanth shook his aching head and started climbing the hill. Looking down he noticed that he'd forgotten to put his kilt on. Great, he muttered and kept climbing. Once he got part way to a spot he was sure was out of sight of the lodge he stopped to relieve himself. 
Oh no, you don't! I can still see you, called out a familiar voice from below. 
He sighed and started climbing again. She doesn't seem to see it when I do nice things for her, he muttered. 
And I can still hear you too! came the reply. He shut up and continued climbing.

He got a bit higher up when he heard a familiar baaa. Looking up slope he saw Little Big, his pet ram. Go away Little Big, Daddy has a headache and he doesn't want to play right now. Little Big wagged his stumpy tail and bounded down the slope towards Orlanth. Stop you crazy sack of wool! You're going to knock me down the mount! Just before Little Big managed to headbutt him down the slope Orlanth grabbed him. He tussled with the ram eventually grappling him and pinning him to the ground. Then grabbing the ram by all four legs he swung it around twice before flinging him downhill. That should get you out of my hair... he started to say as he watched with a sickening foreshadowing of doom the ram go sailing through the air and go right through the hole in his lodge's roof. An outraged shriek met the ram and sounds of conflict rose into the air. Turning resignedly Orlanth began climbing again muttering, Bet I get blamed for that too!

Finally he reached the top. Orlanth gazed down at the sere brown dirt and dying plants that covered the ground at the bottom of the other slope. Hmmmph, well she was right about one thing. They could certainly use my divine blessings. Facing the dry land he placed his hands behind his head. He started to hum a jaunty tune and muttered Bet I can write my name. Let's see, ah yup ... thingy. He uttered a deeply satisfied sigh and spreading his arms wide he proclaimed, Truly it is good to be king.

And that's when the uz started hurling sling stones at him...

Last updated October 09, 2009

Last updated February 20, 2017

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