Oliver D. Bernuetz's Stories

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How the Tomato Came to Glamour

(Chorus of angelic voices)
"Grandpa, grandpa, tell us a story, tell us a story! Puhleese!"
"Huh. whazzat? (groans) "What do you lot want now? As if I didn't know."
"We want a story Grandpa! Puhleese"
"Oh all right. A story. Hmmm, I've told you little buggers most of the stories
about my heroic exploits already. What in Waha's hell am I going to tell you
about this time?" (ponders)
"I've got it! I'll tell you this story I once heard from a drunken Lunar soldier. You kids know who the Lunars were don't you?"
(Confused chorus)
"Errr, some kind of ancient foe?"
(Crotchety outrage)
"Ancient! Why I'll have you know I personally slaughtered my fair share of Lunars in my time."
"That's what we said...ancient."
"Impudent little wretches why I oughta..."
(Snickers and laughter)
"Oh I get it. It's bait Grandpa time again. Well I'll fix you lot-no story today."
"We're sorry Grandpa, please tell us the story."
(Relenting)
"Oh all right I'll tell you. But first I gotta ask the little ones to leave because this ain't the kinda story that's fit for young ears."
(Disappointed chorus of high-pitched groans)
"Forget it I don't want to get into the same kind of trouble I did when I told the story about the herd mother and the amorous long nose. I'm still getting dirty looks from the herd mothers for that one."
"Okay we're leaving but we want to hear a story tomorrow!"
"I promise now scoot."
(Waits until the young ones are out of ear shot)
"Okay do you kids know what a tomato is?"
"Isn't it a plant that the walkers at the oasis grow?"

"That's right but before it came to Prax it was grown by the Lunars. Right favored it was by them. Said it came from the home of their goddess itself the Red Moon."
"What's a red moon Grandpa?"
"It used to be in the sky where the White Moon hangs before a Dragon ate it."
"Oooooh!"
"Anyway years ago this drunken Lunar soldier told me this story..."

It seems that the Emperor of the Lunars, the son of their Red Goddess hisself was quite a man for the ladies, if you know what I mean. He didn't go nowhere without taking a whole entourage of flunkeys and lackeys with him. As part of this crowd of hangers on he always took a bunch of ladies with him who were shall we say extremely talented in certain narrowly proscribed areas if you get me drift. His favourite at the time this story took place was a certain wench named Cora. (The soldier told me that there used to be a solid gold statue of Cora with roobies for nipples in the old Lunar capital of Glamour. A reward for services rendered as it were).

Now this Cora was really good at two things. The first you can probably guess for yerselves but the other things she was good at was eatin'. The soldier told me that this Cora was legendary for her twin appetites. Seems she liked nothing better than combining the two... Well never mind about that. Anyways this Cora liked to eat her food she did. The weirder or more exotic the food the better she liked it. She ate all sorts of bizarre stuff but then those Lunars ate all sorts of things even a troll would have turned his nose up at. They was a strange bunch all right.

Anyways, one days ol' Moonson tells Cora, "Cora", he says, "I's gottas go up to the Moon and talk to me ma about stuff and such and this time I wants you to come with me." Well you could have knocked Cora over with a feather. It wasn't everyday that a whore like her, even Moonson's whore got a personal invite up to the Moon. She'd heard lots of stuff about the spreads they put on up there on the Moon and she salivated at the thought. It was a great honor and no one in her family had ever got to go up there. Moonson told her to get ready as they were gonna leave in two days.

Well Cora ran around telling everyone she knew that she Cora was gonna go up to the Moon. Everyone was impressed with her honor and jealous too! Cora packed up all her nicest gear and geegaws and got herself ready to go. Two days later she got on one of those there Moonboats (not the one Moonson was in of course but the one with the luggage on it) and off they went!

That there Moonboat sailed up on the moonbeams just like a newtling boat sails on the Zola Fel. Up, up, up it went and that ol' Red Moon just got bigger and bigger. Cora was almost beside herself with excitement. Here she was a simple farm girl headin' up to the Moon herself! Well, they got closer and closer and Cora could see everything from her spot at the railing. (The sailors could see a lot too but they knew better than to touch the Emperor's goods). Cora was as giddy as a school girl and she could see their destination the Ruby City getting bigger and bigger as they got closer. Finally when Cora was as close to dying from excitement as a body can get and still be breathing they finally landed at the Ruby City.

Everybody got off and Cora didn't get much of a chance to see anythin' as she was shown to Moonson's quarters where he was waitin' to exercise his Imperial majesty. After their exercise Moonson asked for some grub to be brought. Well when Cora saw that platter her eyes almost bugged out. That there tray was covered by all sorts of weird grub Cora had never seen before. She attacked it with a gusto and Moonson just sat there and watched her as she devoured everything on the plate. (Ya see Moonson really had a thing for Cora and he liked nothin' better than seeing her eat. And I do mean eat if you know what I mean!)

Cora loved it all but she was particularly fond of some red fruit that was on the tray. She asked the servant who came to clean up what the red fruit was called and he said that it was usually called the Goddess' Apple but vulgar people sometimes called it a tomato. He said that it was only found on the Moon and that the Goddess herself had created it as a special symbol for the Moon itself. He brought Cora another one and cut it in half and showed her that it formed a Moon Rune.

Well Cora was thrilled. Here she was on the Moon and she'd gotten to eat a special fruit created by the Goddess herself! She could now happily die and stay in heaven as she'd seen and done it all. (And I do mean all!) That evening there was a big banquet up on the Moon and Cora was invited to sit at the head table (way below the salt mind you but still at the head table). The legendary hero she displaced asked his mate what the whore had done to deserve his place at the table. His mate whispered what she'd done in his ear and he blushed and shut up. No way he'd be doing that for Moonson no matter how loyal he was!

Cora'd thought she'd been happy before but now she was as happy as a rhino in a wallow! Her eyes was so big you could barely see her cheek bones. The servants were afraid she'd faint or die from excitement. Fortunately for Cora Moonson's ma wasn't at the banquet or she'd probably have died right then and there! There was such a spread on and Cora recognized none of it (except the tomatoes). Every damn thing on that there table was something she'd never seen or eaten before (except the tomatoes). She determined that she'd tried some of everything even if it killed her!

Cora ate it all. (Especially the tomatoes). Long after everyone else was done eatin' she kept on munchin' away. Her jaws just kept on going and going. Nobody noticed at first but after a while when most of the stout trenchermen had quit Cora was still eatin'. People started noticin' and
whisperin' and pointin'. They couldn't believe their eyes. Here was this little wisp of a girl and she was outeatin' some legendary eaters. Cora didn't notice the stares and she didn't stop eatin' until she'd tried every damn dish on that there table. By this time all the eyes in the place was
on Cora. When she sighed, belched ladylike, folded her napkin and put it on the table everyone there stood up and just clapped and clapped. They'd never seen such a damn thing before. Well that Cora just blushed all the way down to her toes she was so embarrassed. She was sure glad
to get outta there and hide in her room.

Well Cora slept like a drunken Storm Bull after a bender and dreamt about them thar tomatoes all night long. She just had to gets her some. She asked her way to the kitchen and begged a plateful to break her fast with. Well she gobbled them all down and could have eaten more but she didn't want to make a pig of herself after what had happened at the banquet. She knew that Moonson was heading back down to Glamour soon and she asked a servant if she could take a sack full of tomatoes back with her. The servant recoiled in horror and said that no one not even Moonson hisself was allowed to take tomatoes away from the Moon. Cora was heart broke and turned to head back to her room to pack sure she'd if she never got to eat tomatoes agin. Just as she was about to turn the knob of her room she decided that she at least had to see what the plants looked like. She asked a passing servant to direct her to the tomato patch and one was happy to do so. (Ya see the servants were right proud that someone like Cora had showed up all them thar big shots at the banquet).

Well she arrived at the garden and saw the tomato plants. They didn't look all that wondrous to her nothin' she and her pa couldn't have grown back on the farm. She went up to the bloke someone pointed out as the head gardener and asked him how the tomatoes was grown. Well he was a frosty bastard and he looked down his nose at Cora. That gardener was a tall bloke and that gave him a special vantage on Cora if ya know's what I means and he warmed right up. He told her all about how to grow tomatoes and what they liked. He put his arm around her shoulders in a paternal sort of manner and gave her arm a squeeze. "Did you want to see some seeds my dear?" he says in his friendliest manner, "We keeps 'em in that there shed.". Sure says Cora getting an idea and batting her eyelashes and breathin' deeply-real deeply at him, "I'd love to see some". Well that there gardener's eyes almost bugged right out of his head. So he hurries her over to the shed and shows her the seeds, standing right close he was with Cora breathin' on him and all. Well one thing led to another and Cora showed him her special talent then and there. Well he was sure impressed, impressed to the point of lying in a dazed stupor with a big stupid grin on his face.

Well what did that sneaky Cora do but filch a packet or two of tomato seeds. She figured the gardener'd never tell as his life be forfeit for touching the Emperor's whore. Cora headed back to her room and tried to decide where she would hide the seeds. She didn't want to use her luggage cause she couldn't keep it in her sight all the time, she didn't want to hide 'em in her clothes cause the Emperor was wont to fondle her whenever he got the chance. She decided to hide them on her person and picked the least likely spot for Moonson to be messin' with.

Well Cora was one nervous whore. She sweated the whole trip back to Glamour had one big gut ache and jumped at the least sound. Finally they was down on the ground and she hurried off the boat to head back to her room to hide the seeds. As she was scurrying away Moonson spots her and says. " Where's you off to in such a hurry Cora? I haven't had a chance to spend some time with you in too long. I've got's some time before I have to meet with the Sultans so why don't we..." Well what could she say? She sure couldn't refuse. Well if Cora was nervous before now she was almost petrified. Moonson noticed and asked her why she was shakin'. "Just passion my emperor", she replied. Well Moonson was in an impatient mood and he couldn't wait to get back to his palace. He took Cora to a nearby temple to the Goddess and was shown a garden where they could be alone. Well they stripped right down and that Cora was so nervous she could have died. Gardeners had just turned the earth and had been gettin' ready to plant when Moonson asked to borrow it. He figured the nice soft earth would make a nice bed. He lay down on the dirt and gestured for Cora to come closer. She sidled over and started to bend over. Well when Moonson reached sudden like for Cora with her all nervous
and such and her havin' such a gut ache and all what did she do but just farted the biggest fart she ever had. Tomato seeds sprayed everywhere. Cora blushed all the ways down to the roots of her hair and said, "Must have been something I et." Fortunately Moonson was too busy to notice and Cora managed to cover up her mistake.

Well after they was finished Cora and Moonson left with Cora looking back in regret at her lost tomato seeds. She was grateful though that she hadn't been caught. She found that she could live without tomatoes after all and almost forgot all about them. One day though a big hue and cry went through Glamour that the Goddess had blessed Her City with Her apples! No mortal
agency had involved itself so it must have been the Goddess Herself who brought the tomato to Glamour! From there it was spread by Lunar missionaries everywhere the Moon reached. Cora sighed with relief the first time she bit into a juicy tomato and vowed she'd never do such a crazy
stunt agin. And she didn't-until the next time.

"This soldier who told me this story told me that there was all sort of stories about Cora and her exploits and that Lunar soldiers were particularly fond of singing dirty marchin' songs about Cora. Seems there was some sort of cult about Cora of the Two Appetites..."

"Well, that's enough for now you little buggers, piss off and let an old man sleep".

July 03, 1997 

Last updated October 07, 2016

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